return to the gate
return to the archive

Diario

[dd/mm/yyyy]



31.12.2022

W1: Happy New Year everyone! I published a relatively short text about my attitude towards certain over-glorified things. I will fix all the sources after taking care of other irl things. May this 2023 be less terrible than 2022.


29.12.2022

song of the day: Mondaze - Incense Smell

W1: yesterday i bought some stuff in a thrift store. i got a wool.. uhh... i don't know how it's called in english... shoulder-warmer?? it's crocheted, probably made by some grandma. i love it a lot, it's so soft, and it doesn't itch. i got two scarves too, one for me and one for my mother. everything for the grand price of 9eu (3eu x 3). i will wear the shoulder-warmer(?) in the following months. really? there's really no other way to call them?
W2: i discovered today's song at a shoegaze night last year around this period. i went there with a friend of mine and i also bought their shirt. i would've bought their hoodie too but i had like 5eu left. it's a criminally underrated band and this song in particular was the last one to play. after a quasi-disastrous trip due to the fog and the ungodly asphalt i finally got home and spent 40 minutes trying to find this damn song.
W3: speaking of humidity, i sort of miss waiting at the train station in the morning. i love taking pictures of cables piercing the fog.


25.12.2022

W1: merry christmas to whoever celebrates it. today i drank a very strange olive liquor made by my uncle. to my surprise, it tasted like licorice and orange, it had an oily feel but it was enjoyable. tomorrow i will go ice skating again (╹ڡ╹ ) yipi! my new year's resolutions include visiting ice rinks more and more often, and perhaps subscribing to a figure skating course. my fear is that it'll be quite expensive (and time consuming), but i really need to do some sport or physical activity. in the last decade, i felt like an absolute amoeba. i dropped every activity because of laziness and also lack of money. i'm too old to participate in contests and my flexibility has declined rather brutally. i used to do artistic gym when i was little and i miss being flexible. that's why i decided to keep doing stretching exercises every day. people often say that if you start doing phys activity, you will feel better psychologically, and the worst thing about them is that they're right. going out and doing a silly little walk (preferrably in a pretty place if you have the chance to) is annoyingly good for your silly mental health.
W2: holy shit that olive liquor taste is still in my mouth after like 9 hours... it will haunt me forever.


19.12.2022

W1: tonight i will play seashells and concrete crown. and tomorrow i will start studying for my first exams. it's going to be quite fun, i like the things i studied in this trimester. i finished ayanami raising project and got the burber bing ending, doesn't make any sense but ok. i don't think i'm going to touch that grooming simulator ever again. the graphics were cool, so i took some screenshots.
W2: bonus pics (i doubt anyone gives a shit about spoilers):




W3: i just finished playing the aforementioned games, they're quite short, atmospheric and metaphorical/allegorical. it's the kind of horror game i actually enjoy. jumpscares and people chasing you are quite overrated.


15.12.2022

song of the day: 溶けない名前 ダブル・プラトニツク・スウイサイド

W1: i am not a progamer(tm) so i doubt i'll ever make a page about vidya reviews, however, i enjoy playing old ds games on my pc. i don't have many in my list, but if you want to suggest some cool/cute games i am all ears. anyway, i played shin seiki evangelion ayanami ikusei keikaku also known as ayanami raising project and i really don't know what i was expecting. i don't even know why i decided to play it, i just found the ROM and said "why not?", blindly, cluelessly. it's basically a hangout simulator with rei, with an overwhelming amount of sexual undertones, which i did not like one bit. classical. i didn't expect the di gi charat references. the soundtracks are lovely, though. i am halfway through the game but it's pretty boring so far. i suppose it doesn't hurt to try.
W2: it was my long day in uni today. these are the shortest days, it doesn't really snow, there's that heavy, semi-frozen, awful rain. the ground is slippery. some of it got in my bag (where my pc is). it didn't get that wet but even a single droplet terrifies me. my fingers froze, to the point i couldn't even move them, but i know this isn't the worst it can get. it's the humidity, it penetrates the bones, and it's making my condition worse. everyone keeps telling me i should wear gloves, and i do, but they don't do anything. i bought a pair of new gloves but they're made of acrylic. i really loathe polyester, nylon and acrylic, they don't preserve warmth and joy, they make you sweaty and frustrated. cotton is slightly better, but not during the cold season. viscous and wool are by far the best fibers for clothes, even in synthetic mixes as long as they make up its 50% at least. i'm wearing a viscous/polyester top and it keeps me so warm it's almost better than wool. actually, i don't know about that, since i don't wear wool clothes. most of the ones i own itch a lot, and when it's mixed with acrylic it's even worse.


14.12.2022

W1: this is a character of mine, i don't know how to name her. she's been around for several months, i drew her first concepts on a handmade notebook (made my a dear friend of mine, if you're reading this - which i doubt but you never know - thank you very much. i finished it already...) with a ballpoint pen over some text. i made several drawings of her, she lives in a coniferous forest in a wooden cabin. she cleans her teeth with sage leaves. she has a crt television and she a hoarding issue. she likes girls a normal amount. her handwriting sucks and mostly communicates through poorly drawn symbols rather than words and sentences. she does speak her local language (i have yet to decide which one...) but she doesn't visit the nearby town that often. her favorite food is pearl barley veggie soup. say hi!
W2: i drew her on krita on july 2022. i may do more art of her if my motivational circuits activate. maybe she will never have a name, but does everything and everyone have to have one?
W3: regarding my last update, i find it quite ironic that i rediscovered number girl some days prior to their second breakup (11/12/2022).


12.12.2022

song of the day: Number Girl // 透明少女

W1: About time i rediscovered NUMBER GIRL! i had a bunch of songs on my old spotify account but i don't use it anymore because fuck paying for music. i was writing a thing for this site but i cringed midway through it, but i decided to finish it anyway. Cringe culture is dead right? right??
W2: anyway, this semester is about to end soon and i'm kind of anxious, i have yet to plan my exam calendar... oh well, i'll think about it soon enough.


9.12.2022

W1: i'm on my phone. i feel like going for a walk, but it's 3AM, and i don't know where to go. it's too cold outside, but staying in bed makes my bones ache. i want to leave and delete all traces of myself, but that would be impossible. it'll hurt me the most, but it's a risk i'm willing to take. there's nothing to mend anymore, goodnight.


2.12.2022

song of the day: BABYMETAL - MEGITSUNE Guitar Cover

W1: i rediscovered this cover i saved some time ago, it's pretty good. i wish i could play the guitar. actually, i wish i learned how to play many instruments, but my parents never let me when i was younger because lessons were (and still are) too expensive. it sucks though. i feel lots of envy towards those who are able to. i unironically have a good ear, so it's a shame i can barely play my middle school recorder. but hey, i can play certain songs by ear, like the lost woods theme from OOT and ACNH main theme. i don't even own those games. i only played the latter by stealing my boyfriend's switch two or three years ago. i am an awesome bug catcher. both in ACNH and irl. me and my father started collecting dead stag beetles we find near our house, we put them on the fireplace shelf. speaking of beetles, i have a female odontolabis lacordairei in a resin keychain (and i made a 1:1 plasticine replica of it), but i don't know where to attach it to. it's heavy as hell and i don't want people to look at me weird. why did i buy it, why am i embarrassed of it? why can't i just not care?


25.11.2022

W1: a few friends i used to talk to sort of disappeared from my life and i'm wondering whether it's my fault or not. i'm not dense so i understand that not everything revolves around me and my behavior, but i am paranoid and i still miss them a lot. even though i have the means to communicate with them, i decided to wait, and if they actually reach out, then it's confirmed that it wasn't really my fault they had drifted away... sucks, because they're all people i really resonate with and we used to have (from my perspective) a wonderful bond. it's okay. i will always be here regardless.


22.11.2022

song of the day: Yabai the Maid - 60bpl

W1: today has been colder than usual. rain, wind, and a broken umbrella. while i was on the train (shall i add: 20' late btw -- most punctual a train in IT btw) i put my playlist of 325 songs on shuffle. i never do that, i usually pick my songs depending on the mood, and since it was foggy and rainy (as novembers should be...) i thought to myself "huh... 60bpl could go with this" and i repeated "the next song will be 60bpl" like three times. before skipping my current song i even said "if i actually get 60bpl i would have another reason to believe my electronic devices monitor the inner machinations of my moldy brain". and so i skipped. and out of the 324 remaining songs what did it pick? 60bpl. amezig Neuralink(tm) momento. i dislike having paranoid thoughts about surveillance but i admit this one got me, ironically speaking. was it because the platform knew i listen to that song when there's that kind of weather? no, i deactivated geolocalization. or did i? or was it just a funny coincidence? the latter seems like a more creditable hypothesis. however, i wouldn't let my guard down. i don't want to be too nitpicky when it comes to privacy control because i'd appear as an outlier, and i don't really want to look like a suspicious individual. i may be mistaken and dumb, but it doesn't really matter in this day and age, when even mere coincidences seem prefabricated and planned.
W2: last night i did something extremely stereotypical as an italian. i watched an english video about the italian language(s). i may write a rant about this because the amount of pressed pasta swines in the comments was enough to make my teeth fall and regrow a second time. there is so much to say about our awfully chaotic country (from the linguistic pov) that i don't even know where to start. i did a mini course on dialectology in uni and it was sensational (and i already expanded the topic on my own, i have been doing that since i was little actually lol), and the video i watched summed up the concepts i had already learned pretty well (according to 10-minute funfact youtube video standards). but still, what pisses me off is that too many italian people (esp latest generations) think that regional identity is useless and ignorant. not "regional" as in "pertinent to the 20 italian regions", but regional as in "my town" or "this specific area i grew up in" etc.. i almost perfectly understand my own dialect but i am almost unable to reproduce it/speak it fluently, and it's really disheartening. it's like part of my cultural history is bound to disappear. and too many of "us" want their own to vanish (and not only theirs -- cough -- antimeridionalism -- cough --), and it angers me, because Italy does not have a "National Identity". there is, but it always felt... fake. and politicians LOVE to press this patriotic button, but they're emphasizing something that never existed to begin with. there is no "italian culture", there is no "italian way", as the massive oversimplification bothers me just as much as those who want our differences to be rejected. i know it's a cringe thing to sperg about but i'm really connected to the environment i grew up in, and what it was before the economic boom occurred. as i said, i may write about this in detail, maybe providing examples since i believe most of the people reading this blog never really had a reason to know nor care about it. but since it's my blog, you WILL care about it. if i gather enough motivation to start writing...
W3: also I KNOW i already shared that song in diary entries in the past, but i don't care. i love it a lot and it's a vibe, and i synesthetically(?) connect it to a really specific scenario/landscape in my head. go check that artist out, they deserve a lot of love. ❤️


20.11.2022

song of the day: BLKSMIITH - F R A G M E N T

W1: i ate at burberbing today, i didn't throw up (nice!). i was with my friends and we also went iceskating!!! so fun... unfortunately the music was so loud i had to stop after a while, plus too many kids who can't skate were bumping onto me.
W2: i'm thinking about making a zine... but i'm still unsure about the layout & content... i may collect various items from my personal Image Collection(tm) and put them in a nice collage... yeah :) i think that would be neat. i suck at writing poetry, stories, etc... i can barely create ocs that last more than a month... anyway, as i'm writing this, i have 5 layers of clothes stacked on bare skin. it's so cold but it WILL be colder.
W3: one thing about social media that i enjoy doing is scrolling through accounts that just have NICE! NICE! AMAZING PICTURES OF PLACES(tm)!!!. i wish i had the money to explore... lots of places. from Slovenia to Greece, Baltic states, Finland, visit Murmansk & Solovki islands, isle of Kiži, lake Baikal (Russia) & lake Kaindy (Kazakhstan)... just to name a few of places i would really like to visit before i die. no hot places please. at least for now. i also would love to visit Longji and its rice terraces, but it's early (and expensive) to plan trips like those. i live preeeetty far away from all these (except for Slovenia i think).
W4: I FORGOT TO INCLUDE GEORGIA & ARMENIA!!!! today i found this incredible abandoned monastery in Dilijan (Armenia), called Matosavank, pics attached (click them 4 src). i crave THIS kind of exploration. but i'm stuck here, with people who even refuse to go take a 20-minute walk with me.



19.11.2022

song of the day: WEBG0RE - Cyberware

W1: taking the train when it's dark is scary. that's the joy of having lectures from 9 to 19.
W2: god i need to dye my hair again. i'll stick to red/copper for a little longer, i look amazing. my hair got past shoulder length now and i'm planning to let it grow... hooooowever, the idea of having it ear-length is... intriguing. i'll keep my uneven bangs too, why not.


1.1.2022

song of the day: Soft Kill - Whirl

W1: i am so into urban exploration it's insane. i desperately need to explore abandoned places with somebody, but nobody here has the guts to do it. i'm the first person who cares about safety and all, but it sucks not to have someone to hang out with while inspecting such places, as long as nobody else goes there too. the same goes with hidden natural landscapes, nobody even wants to come with me because "it's so tiring" "let's stay at my place (again)" ugh let me propose something interesting for once!!!


9.11.2022

song of the day: 黒塗り世界宛て書簡/重音テト(Letter to the Black World / Kasane Teto)

W1: i'm a codependent disaster but i am proud to say i have never pushed myself to be with someone. sure i had my meaningless crushes when i was younger, but i never actively tried to be with someone to fulfill my own fantasy. the only time it happened, it just happened. i accepted it as part of my life flow, but it wasn't something i was "waiting" for, i didn't get into a relationship with the idea that i NEEDED one, i know i could've lived well enough even if it stayed at the friendship state. i don't need to force others to be with me romantically to feel fulfilled, i don't need adulation, i don't need "eternal love" in that sense. if i receive it, i am happy to give it back, otherwise, i will be okay anyway, because i'm not a desperate incel. i don't understand why people cling so much to the idea of being in a relationship when they've proven themselves & others that they're absolute inepts. if all your past ones failed because of you're too unstable to treat others like human beings, why do you keep searching for someone?
W2: i think most people buy the idea that romanticism is the only valuable thing in life, but as much as it's wonderful to be loved by someone in that sense, it is not something ESSENTIAL. i hate when my friends complain to me about not having a boyfriend or wanting to be mothers. i hate it so much. i think we should put a ban on heterosexual marriages. none of them end up being good. it's just another bureaucratic trap. why the fuck would i waste money on cerimonies and dresses anyway? sorry for the sudden blackpill but marriages and the desire to be wives/mothers completely removed the identity of women. i will never get married, i don't want to be trapped anywhere. if i want to leave, i should be able to do it without paying for the divorce. there is so much more to this of course but right now i'm fine. i just want to stop hearing my coursemates complain about all this single-struggle bullshit and drooling over guys that look and behave like wifebeaters.
W3: i don't care if i'll disappoint my family, i will never be a wife. it's not like i won't be able to love enough. i don't need to sign a contract basically declaring that i'll be emotionally enslaved. i love and will love as much as my neurons and heart keep telling me to do so. also wedding cerimonies are so fucking cringy. my unstable ass could never be a housewife without an actual lobotomy. i want to punch those stay-at-home-wife larpers online so bad. stand up and stop being stupid. being a grown man's babysitter shouldn't be your highest aspiration. girls who repost infographics about emotional abuse and then aspire to be houseviwes are the biggest joke.
W4: i don't want to be married, but i want to live in a shed in the woods with my lover and have minimal internet connection. also some chickens in the yard. a warm bed and friendly neighbors. when i wake up i want to remind myself that not living sophistically is the best way to live. sucks, because i jump a lot between being very crude and sophisticated. maybe i'm just modest.


2.11.2022

song of the day: TATIL 22 - sacrifice

W1: i successfully learned the Georgian alphabet just 'cause. i am getting better at writing and reading it, i have no idea why i am doing this. memory exercises maybe. or maybe i just wanted to read Georgian songs' lyrics. who knows.


31.10.2022

song of the day: Yakui The Maid - Yakui's Crippled Orchestra And Injured Railways Song

W1: halloween... i am so out of energy, ugh. i need to do so much stuff for university and i keep procrastinating... i have an awful cough and my bones are made of gelatine. i'm thinking about the current situation. where i am, what people around me really are, and i came to the conclusion that i am... drumrolls... the exception!!! that's right friends, i am the true outlier. but i am very good at hiding it. it feels like they are trying to assimilate me into the mass, but i have to preserve my identity. i refuse to return to an amorphous state. i crave true constructs, real debates, not spineless bullshit. give me your best shots, prove yourself wrong, stop trying to convince me i'm the faulty one here. i am here and i exist right beside you. i am in conflict and you will deal with it. stop trying to change me, if i have to resurrect from my own ashes, then i'm the one that will set my own body on fire. my own unmoved mover, i move the pieces around by standing still. whether you like it or not, i will contradict you, and you won't be able to prove me wrong so easily.


24.10.2022

song of the day: Seoul - Haunt / A Light

W1: i spent a lovely birthday two days ago. my friends gave me a lamp, a speaker, two notebooks, two canvases and paintbrushes. i got strawberry jelly juice at the store, it's very good. no cake for me though. i forgot to make myself one, and the ones they sell in supermarkets suck. i want tiramisù...


4.10.2022

W1: today i spent my entire day in uni, i partially recovered from two horrifying losses happened yesterday. i couldn't sleep because i kept having breakdowns, so i'm slightly numb due to insomnia. i only spoke with one person i know irl about this, only through text, i can't bring myself to talk about it again. i'm still irreparably heartbroken. hopefully the course of time will manage to fix it for me. back luck is starting to infect me.
On a better note, I started becoming more active in medium groups of people. my anxiety still manages to pull me back from speaking up against those who are more confident, but i am trying not to let it get to me to much. in the end, they are all strangers to me.


26.9.2022

song of the day: Chikoi The Maid - Someday I'll Definitely Finish Something

W1: ahh... it's raining. big thunderstorm tonight! well, not that big actually... medium. i've witnessed worse. how's it going? i resumed university and i got decent marks in my last two exams! i'll get my degree this year (hopefully!), i'm enjoying all courses so far. i may resume drawing too, i miss being able to rpoduce decent artworks. i don't loathe what i produce as much as i used to. i still struggle to find the motivation to start again. ah, it'll be cold tomorrow. a looooong day awaits! i don't have much else to say in this update... i've written some more stuff. i made new friends, my little bubble is safe. as for the situation with our current government... well, they better start getting used to their bloodflow circulating backwards!


4.9.2022

song of the day: Nada - Ma che freddo fa

W1: so, it's chronic migraine time. i have it almost every day of the month. maybe it's because i stay up all night. since the start of covid, i have never been able to fall asleep before 2AM - average: 4:30AM. i can't seem to get better even after a long day, or when i know i have to wake up at 6:00AM. two hours of sleep it is, then. i hate it so much. i hate the sound of people snoring.
W2: third exam attempt in two days. feeling hopeless and stressed. i don't think i want to do this anymore.


22.8.2022

W1: i resumed crocheting again, i'm slowly getting better at it. social media frustrates me a lot and i don't want it to ruin my days. on another note, i'm planning to add another small entry collection... i'll work on it.. no spoilers....


10.8.2022

song of the day: John Maus - And Heaven Turned to Her Weeping

W1: schizophrenia be damned my girl can make plasticine garfield figures
W2: i don't think i have the strength to eat today.
W3: what an absolute waste of ingredients.
W4: i should probably repress all these unwanted feelings and keep everything to myself. writing them here would fulfill the same purpose.
W5: by the end of 2022 i will start decomposing, somewhere. i will no longer be the "bright mind" of this family, to which i only brought disappointment and frustration. i feel my life force slipping away from my hands and i can't do anything about it. i'm withdrawing from everyone and i treat the online public as a monochromatic, inert audience. i expect no reply without a nuance of passive-aggressiveness and added frustration. i want to take a break from the World altogether, and rejoin, rejoice even, when every life force has been eradicated from the Soil itself. there is no cycle of birth and death. i don't desire to live again. the odds of conducting a life worse than this one are too high and scary. i don't want to be a number in the multitude, i want it to go down by 1. just one is enough right now. i would gladly take part in a mass suicide. i don't really like standing out too much.


9.8.2022

d09cd0bdd0b520d182d0b0d0ba20d185d0bed187d0b0d186d186d0b020d181d0bfd0b0d186d18c2c0d0ad09dd0b520d185
d0b0d187d18320d0bfd0b0d0bcd196d180d0b0d186d18c2e0d0ad0a2d0b2d0b0d0b520d0b2d0bed187d18b20d0b7d0bdd0b
ed19e20d0bad0bed0bbd18fd186d18c2c0d0ad0a320d0bcd0b0d19120d181d18dd180d186d0b020d188d18bd0bfd18b2e0d
0ad09cd0bdd0b520d182d0b0d0ba20d185d0bed187d0b0d186d186d0b020d181d0bfd0b0d186d18c2c0d0ad09dd0b520d18
5d0b0d187d18320d0bfd0b0d0bcd196d180d0b0d186d18c2e0d0ad08620d0bad0b0d0bbd19620d18f20d0bfd0b0d0bcd180
d18320e280930d0ad092d196d0bdd0b0d0b2d0b0d182d0b0d18f20d182d18b210d0a200d0ad0a3d181d19120d0b0d0b4d0b
dd0be20d19620d182d0bed0b520d0b63a0d0ad09fd0b0d0bcd196d180d0b0d0b5d0bc20d18320d0bdd18fd0b4d0b7d0b5d0
bbd18e2e0d0ad09ad0bed0b6d0bdd0b0d0b520d182d0b2d0b0d19120d0bad180d0b0d0bdd0b0d0bdd0bdd0b520e280930d0
ad09dd0bed0b2d0b0d18f20d0b0d0b4d0bcd0b5d182d0bad0b020d0bdd0b020d186d0b5d0bbd0b52e0d0a200d0ad09cd0bd
d0b520d182d0b0d0ba20d185d0bed187d0b0d186d186d0b020d181d0bfd0b0d186d18c2c0d0ad09dd0b520d185d0b0d187d
18320d0bfd0b0d0bcd196d180d0b0d186d18c2e0d0ad09cd18b20d0b7d0b1d196d180d0b0d0bbd19620d19ed181d0b520d0
b7d0bed180d0bad1962c0d0ad09cd18b20d0bfd0b0d0bbd196d0bbd19620d0bcd0b0d181d182d18b2e0d0ad09cd0bdd0b52
0d182d0b0d0ba20d185d0bed187d0b0d186d186d0b020d181d0bfd0b0d186d18c2c0d0ad09dd0b520d185d0b0d187d18320
d0bfd0b0d0bcd196d180d0b0d186d18c2e0d0ad08620d181d183d0b2d0bed180d18b20d182d0b2d0bed0b920d0bfd0bed0b
3d0bbd18fd0b420e280930d0ad09cd0b0d0b520d0b4d180d18dd0bdd0bdd18bd18f20d181d0bdd18b2e


29.6.2022

song of the day: eightiesheadachetape - what we did in the desert

W1: it's raining. just what i needed to calm myself down a little bit. i want to go outside. and roll in the grass... but i'll catch a cold. i'll just breathe.


20.6.2022

song of the day: Sixth June - Back For A Day

W1: sometimes i ask myself if there is beauty in destruction, and my answer is often yes. but then i ask myself, i am already living in a world that aims to destroy me, is it really beautiful? no, i hate it. i can only worship the corrosion of our current society. annihilation of capitalism, liberation for women, disgregation of traditional values, abolition of pretentious progressivism and liberalism. the fall of the market, the demolition of concrete blocks, nature reclaiming its corrupted components. the wires no longer need maintenance, spiritualism faces its biggest cope ever, the fall of modern society as we know it. sometimes i want to run away and become the soil. i feel like those concrete blocks. i want to be left on the ground and let ivy climb my skin and wait for the rain to slowly break me to pieces. i am a concrete building. i am a brutalist interface. but i give up. constraints and rigidity are not things i wish to achieve. i want to slowly decompose while i watch the clouds becoming darker. it's all grey and green. i'm not depressed right now. i hate pessimism. but sometimes a girl just needs to take that bauhaus reclaimed by nature pill.


26.5.2022

song of the day: ロマンスしたい - 岡本舞子

W1: it's really hot here. i finished university, i have nice grades. i am a bit scared of my next exams. i had some terrible days, but now it's all ok. :-)


8.5.2022

song of the day: Великие Фальши - Гештальт (лето 2021 демо)

W1: Non trovo le cose da dire quando devo aggiornare questo diario, probabilmente non c'è nulla di importante da mostrare a un pubblico inesistente. è un po' come parlare da soli, da soli in mezzo alla strada con qualche passante che cammina contro di te o che ti sorpassa, non si capisce ciò che dici se non qualche parola. è una cosa passeggera, impregnata di bizzarria e occhiate perplesse o sprezzanti. ma tanto nessuno parla italiano su questo sito quindi la logorrea si perderebbe in un blocco di testo indecifrabile, non è così? e chi c'ha voglia di tradurre una stringa così lunga di caratteri se non preventivamente munito di estrema noia e voglia di sprecare il proprio tempo? penso molto al tempo sprecato. al tempo che spreco ascoltando musica che non capisco, ci vedo i pattern linguistici e riconosco le stringhe di parole familiari ma per me non è altro che una serie di frequenze piacevoli da registrare nella testa. qua c'è freddo e siamo quasi a metà maggio, incredibile, no? ho le mani congelate ed è tardi. mi sento come quell'ammasso di cavi lasciato sul binario morto che ho visto l'altro giorno mentre ero sul treno. ci sono così tante cose a cui penso quando sono sul treno. o forse no? non so quando penso e quando non penso, è come se le cose venissero in automatico senza pensarci tanto tempo. pensieri effimeri che non permangono nella mia testa per più di 100ms o 200ms. le uniche cose che si fissano sono ossessioni e auto-flagellazioni che fanno da sfondo mentre fingo di essere una persona well-adjusted e normale-pillata. ho molte opinioni riguardo molti ambiti e continuano a cambiare. la mia identità non ha importanza per gli altri ma per me vale molto. eppure non riesco a costringerla entro certi parametri. so solo di essere femmina. ciò basta, credo. odio esserlo, ma non voglio cambiare. ho accettato che la mia intera esistenza sarà dettata da questo e ciò mi turba abbastanza, non sono pronta ad accettare un futuro di delusioni. se mi preparo, farà meno male quando accadrà. poi se non capita, farò finta di non aver sprecato tutti i miei anni precedenti rimuginando su cose che avevano possibilità di accadere, e invece non sono accadute. che ridere. la paranoia è logorante e si amplifica sempre quando sto da sola. sto ascoltando canzoni in georgiano, non capisco nulla, ma è come se capissi tutto. le frequenze parlano e trascendono i costrutti linguistici. non so se sono fatta per questa vita ma vabbè, si tira avanti. non che abbia tanta altra scelta, vero?


2.4.2022

song of the day: Eduard Artemyev - The Death of the Hero (Siberiade Soundtrack)

W1: hello, how are you doing? it's been a while, isn't it? yesterday i went to lebanon hanover's concert and it's been really amazing. university is going well, i resumed drawing too after a fairly long hiatus. my right index is still not doing well.
W2: i also went to an a-knee-may convention, and i bought some cool stuff. i don't usually spend money on merch, but it was the first time i've ever seen a touhou figure irl, so i HAD to get my hands on it. it's missing a bow, poor Rin (it's a FuRyu figure).


11.2.2022

song of the day: Yakui The Maid - Continium

W1: i resumed crocheting, i asked my mother to teach me (for the second time because last time she tried to teach me was,, 10 years ago lol). i am still kind of bad at it but it distracts me from my daily struggles (such as finding out that i have arthritis in my right hand,,,, lolx2 -- i'll get it checked tomorrow)


7.2.2022

song of the day: The Mall - An Answer

i kinda feel like this:
yes i love being alive rn (really) (not joking) (/srs)


2.2.2022

song of the day: билборды - рисую кровью

W1: this month will be absolutely hellish for me, i'll have 2 exams and i'll restart uni too.. sigh...... it's not going well at all lol!!
oh well.. c'est la vie, i'll resume studying now. i hate statistics. also go listen to today's song. i really really really love her voice....


21.1.2022

song of the day: tsumetai - a spark from my lighter is all i have

W1: the last few days have been really boring yet stressful. uninterrupted focus on uni exams until the 9th of february. i've been sleeping less and less every day. but hey, it's been one week from the last time i bit my nails. i call this #progress.
W2: also on another note, i have been getting more and more into in vintage stuff and jewelry making. i need to find some bead shops with affordable prices either near me or online. i might post some of my creations here i guess.


10.1.2022

song of the day: Ghosts on TV - What if

W1: things have been going well lately. i started making charms and keychains for my friend(s) with some cute beads i found in local stores (and by tearing apart old necklaces and bracelets i used to wear when i was little). the song i added in this entry was my favorite one from 2016 to 2018. it's a finnish indie rock band. i need to listen to their newest tracks. it's weird, i'm probably the only it*lian fan lol. i would like to go see them but they do events/concerts in finland/russia only. too bad. maybe once i earn enough money to go visit helsinki or something like that.


1.1.2022

song of the day: Click to Find Out

W1: happy new year online friends. let's start this 2022 with the right foot, and with one of my favorite songs.